Another fall production has come and gone. Arsenic and Old Lace was an incredible journey. Even more fulfilling the second time! The past few months have been stress-filled and full of ups and downs, but ultimately, I feel very accomplished and fortunate to have been given the opportunity to work with such amazing young people. I also got the chance to make an amazing friend in my assistant director. I am not sure I will ever be able to tell her how amazing she was during the whole process.
So I am at a crossroads. I have the opportunity to put myself out in the public arena with the hopes of starting a new career, which is exciting. The terrifying part is that I will be leaving the teaching field and venturing down a completely foreign path. I am not sure what to make of the situation. There is a lot of push to just go for it..I am young, I am mobile, and I am looking to move into a more permanent setting in regards to my life and location. However, the thought of leaving the only profession I have trained for in the past seven years is mortifying. Nothing can beat back that fear and the undeniable fear of the unknown. I wish I had someone to talk this over with. Just someone who could understand this feeling and this particular crossroads in my life. I just hope I can figure out some balance of fear and excitement. Last summer pretty much crushed my ideas that I am fit for anything but teaching. Quite the mental anguish I was in for a few weeks.
I am in the post show rut...that has to be the explanation. I can't think of anything to do and my life seems so boring. I hate that feeling. The feeling that, at 25 years old, I am just a boring guy that goes home after work and waits in pain for the start of the next day of mind numbing monotony. Of course, with where I am there aren't many other options. I do hate the feeling though. Life just 2 years ago was so full of busy, and events. Now I just feel so...slowed down.
I am trying so hard to not become a jaded teacher that reminisces about what life was like when I was in school. I feel like I am losing that battle. I want to stay positive. I want to stay idealistic, I want to stay hopeful, I want to maintain my high expectations for so much longer. If you hear me complaining, could you remind me that it's not that bad and that it's not that different, even though we both know that it is. I would appreciate it.
My apartment is starting to get the best of me. I am so tired of coming home to an empty house. I need a roommate. I need a friend like Dom or Thomas. Someone who I can hang out with all the time. Someone who I can just always rely on. I don't have that person here...which of course adds to the boring factor. How the hell did I make those friends in the first place?
I am having a better year, but a worse one at the same time. I'm not sure that I have enough time to explain what I mean by that. Things are easier. Lessons are familiar and problems are easier to deal with. But unfortunately when things start to become second nature we slow down enough to think about what is really on our minds. Now I have way to much time to think. So in a way the things that were so difficult last year are really much better, but the things I didn't know were bothering me because I was too busy with surface level stuff are starting to rear their heads. That alone makes life a little more challenging. So year two is easier, but mentally more taxing for me. Also, it is emotionally more draining.
Well I suppose that is all. I apologize to my three followers if this entry seemed random and egocentric. Really just had to write some stuff down for my sake. That's what this is for right? right? RIGHT?!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
A Quarter Century of Me. You're Welcome?
So 25 years has come and begun to go. It was a blow out of a good time on the actual day of celebration. I can't think of better people to spend the evening with. (of course I could definitely name a few that I wish would have been there. Sully, Aaron, Dominic, Thomas, Forrest, Saylor, Drew.) It was a night of celebrating, making new friends, and ringing in a new chapter of my life. Although now that I am 25 I can't help but reflect and compare what I thought my life would be like to what it is now.
I can tell you that professionally, I find myself to be in a position that is close but not close at all to what I wanted. I always thought that I would be teaching English in the suburb of a big city. Nowadays I find myself teaching. But that is about the only similarity to what I envisioned in high school and college. I find that I have more responsibility than I ever wanted in my career at this point, and at times, find it hard to connect with my students and subject. Theater was never supposed to be a job for me. I don't think I ever wanted it to be. but none-the-less, I feel fortunate for the position I have and have never taken for granted the opportunity that I have been given. I just wish I would feel half as good at what I do as everyone keeps telling me I am. But I'll carry on and keep doing my best to stay above water and maybe teach a kid or two.
Where I am at geographically? Never where I intended. I always thought myself made for the city life. Or at least a more suburban atmosphere. I think that, overall, the rural "down on the farm" small town lifestyle will never be home for me. It is interesting and it has been very good for me. But I would be ignoring a huge part of myself if I didn't admit to feeling meant for larger cityscapes.
As far as the personal life, 25 isn't too far off. I never imagined I would be married. Even at 18 I knew I wouldn't be ready. Not even close. But I have a great many friends that fill any void that could possibly exist and that makes me smile. I am well adjusted. Even after all the tribulations in high school and college. The relationships that have come and gone and the friends that I will never forget and unfortunately have forgotten. I remain a level headed person with a good head on my shoulders. I think I have mom and dad to thank for that. Along with a good many other attributes that I credit to those two amazing people. I am financially independent. I am confident that I will remain that way, and I feel like no matter how much I crave to have my old simple life in Michigan back, I have grown into one damn fine adult.
I can say that looking back on the last 25 years that the regrets are few and far between. I don't buy into the idea that people live with "No Regrets". I think that is just something that hipster kids tell themselves so they don't have to feel bad about making poor decisions. But I can honestly say that I regret very little. I have lost friends over the years, and done things that I will never be okay with. But overall, I have lived a good quarter century.
I have gone from grade school to high school to Central and landed in Kansas. I honestly don't know where the next 25 years will take me. But I can only hope to live them more fully than I have these past 25 and to attempt to be a better person in the time that I have. The past years have been all I could have asked for and more, along with a hell of a lot of surprises. So thank you to everyone who has come along on the ride with me. It's been a good time so far, and we aren't even halfway done! (at least I don't think we are. But hey..what the hell do I know? I'm only 25!)
Cheers to another 25!
I can tell you that professionally, I find myself to be in a position that is close but not close at all to what I wanted. I always thought that I would be teaching English in the suburb of a big city. Nowadays I find myself teaching. But that is about the only similarity to what I envisioned in high school and college. I find that I have more responsibility than I ever wanted in my career at this point, and at times, find it hard to connect with my students and subject. Theater was never supposed to be a job for me. I don't think I ever wanted it to be. but none-the-less, I feel fortunate for the position I have and have never taken for granted the opportunity that I have been given. I just wish I would feel half as good at what I do as everyone keeps telling me I am. But I'll carry on and keep doing my best to stay above water and maybe teach a kid or two.
Where I am at geographically? Never where I intended. I always thought myself made for the city life. Or at least a more suburban atmosphere. I think that, overall, the rural "down on the farm" small town lifestyle will never be home for me. It is interesting and it has been very good for me. But I would be ignoring a huge part of myself if I didn't admit to feeling meant for larger cityscapes.
As far as the personal life, 25 isn't too far off. I never imagined I would be married. Even at 18 I knew I wouldn't be ready. Not even close. But I have a great many friends that fill any void that could possibly exist and that makes me smile. I am well adjusted. Even after all the tribulations in high school and college. The relationships that have come and gone and the friends that I will never forget and unfortunately have forgotten. I remain a level headed person with a good head on my shoulders. I think I have mom and dad to thank for that. Along with a good many other attributes that I credit to those two amazing people. I am financially independent. I am confident that I will remain that way, and I feel like no matter how much I crave to have my old simple life in Michigan back, I have grown into one damn fine adult.
I can say that looking back on the last 25 years that the regrets are few and far between. I don't buy into the idea that people live with "No Regrets". I think that is just something that hipster kids tell themselves so they don't have to feel bad about making poor decisions. But I can honestly say that I regret very little. I have lost friends over the years, and done things that I will never be okay with. But overall, I have lived a good quarter century.
I have gone from grade school to high school to Central and landed in Kansas. I honestly don't know where the next 25 years will take me. But I can only hope to live them more fully than I have these past 25 and to attempt to be a better person in the time that I have. The past years have been all I could have asked for and more, along with a hell of a lot of surprises. So thank you to everyone who has come along on the ride with me. It's been a good time so far, and we aren't even halfway done! (at least I don't think we are. But hey..what the hell do I know? I'm only 25!)
Cheers to another 25!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Short and Sweet
So back to the state of Kansas with me. I've been back home since Friday and I am feeling rather torn. On the one hand, it is good to be home. It is good to come back to familiar places and faces that I am surprised to admit that I missed quite a lot. On the other hand, I miss my family. I miss the familiar sights and comforts of my childhood home. I want to be back, but I want to be in Michigan as well. It is a strange feeling indeed. Not sure what to make of it.
My summer was great. I had the opportunity to see many people that I missed and don't get to see often enough. I had the honor of sharing four weddings with close friends and I am so grateful to be included in their days. I also got quite a bit of relaxing done. I wasn't as productive as I would have liked to be, but I still feel good about this upcoming year and what I will accomplish.
So..it's a short update from the world of me. But as I stated in a recent entry, I rarely find myself with anything of consequence to say. Stay tuned for my quarter century reflection quickly approaching.
My summer was great. I had the opportunity to see many people that I missed and don't get to see often enough. I had the honor of sharing four weddings with close friends and I am so grateful to be included in their days. I also got quite a bit of relaxing done. I wasn't as productive as I would have liked to be, but I still feel good about this upcoming year and what I will accomplish.
So..it's a short update from the world of me. But as I stated in a recent entry, I rarely find myself with anything of consequence to say. Stay tuned for my quarter century reflection quickly approaching.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
I drink too much water...
Is that even possible? I find that drinking water helps me to not eat like such an over-indulgent fatty fat fat. If you care to know its not working. Although the side effects can be pretty intense. (talk about pee) It is summertime ladies and gentlemen! My first summer as a school teacher. My goodness! There are no words to prepare someone for how awesome it is knowing that you could potentially have summers off for the rest of your life. It is relaxing. I should be using my time more efficiently. I should be preparing the heck out of my lessons for next year, but ya know what? I'm young and dumb and I just want to chill for a moment (ahem..*cough* or a month *cough*)
My first year teaching was a great success! There were no major pitfalls, there was lots of learning, and I feel like I accomplished a great deal. Its rather strange to think that it has been a year already. Seems like only yesterday I was sitting in my newly rented apartment, staring at my gob of keys, and wondering to myself, secretly of course: What the hell have I done? Little did I know that I had made one of the best decisions of my life. I have grown so much. I have learned how to run a theatre program and I feel that I can do it well. I directed the musical You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown and a student written adaptation of Charlotte's Web. If you must know they were both so wonderful and I cannot express the quality of talent I have in my program! I have been a plethora of new friends, and I have developed as a teacher and as a professional. I can't wait for another year of laughter, tears, growth, and making a big-people's salary (woot).
I should try and keep up on this whole blogging thing. However, that effort is thwarted by a serious lack of anything worth saying.
EGOCENTRIC PASSAGE ALERT: I have been staying at my parents house for the past month, I have been getting paid to just hang out and have a summer, I want to travel a lot still and visit people, and I bought a new guitar. I am quite possibly one of the coolest people alive.
WARNING. THE FOLLOWING HAS THE APPEARANCE OF BEING A DEEP THOUGHT.
Do you think that women are lying their faces off when they say that confidence is everything? For example, it has been said in multiple magazines, which I firmly believe are the same publication cleverly rearranged and published under different titles, that all men have to do to "get the girl" is be confident. I think that is just a bunch of jib-jab. Are you telling me in order for me to get that good looking girl across the restaurant to let me telephonically reach her, all I have to do is act like I am a complete boss? I don't feel like that will work. I feel that, as men, we are operating under some shaky intel. But hey, I could be wrong.
So..that is life up to this point. I can't complain, but things could always be better. Perhaps in the upcoming months they plan to be just that. One could only hope.
My first year teaching was a great success! There were no major pitfalls, there was lots of learning, and I feel like I accomplished a great deal. Its rather strange to think that it has been a year already. Seems like only yesterday I was sitting in my newly rented apartment, staring at my gob of keys, and wondering to myself, secretly of course: What the hell have I done? Little did I know that I had made one of the best decisions of my life. I have grown so much. I have learned how to run a theatre program and I feel that I can do it well. I directed the musical You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown and a student written adaptation of Charlotte's Web. If you must know they were both so wonderful and I cannot express the quality of talent I have in my program! I have been a plethora of new friends, and I have developed as a teacher and as a professional. I can't wait for another year of laughter, tears, growth, and making a big-people's salary (woot).
I should try and keep up on this whole blogging thing. However, that effort is thwarted by a serious lack of anything worth saying.
EGOCENTRIC PASSAGE ALERT: I have been staying at my parents house for the past month, I have been getting paid to just hang out and have a summer, I want to travel a lot still and visit people, and I bought a new guitar. I am quite possibly one of the coolest people alive.
WARNING. THE FOLLOWING HAS THE APPEARANCE OF BEING A DEEP THOUGHT.
Do you think that women are lying their faces off when they say that confidence is everything? For example, it has been said in multiple magazines, which I firmly believe are the same publication cleverly rearranged and published under different titles, that all men have to do to "get the girl" is be confident. I think that is just a bunch of jib-jab. Are you telling me in order for me to get that good looking girl across the restaurant to let me telephonically reach her, all I have to do is act like I am a complete boss? I don't feel like that will work. I feel that, as men, we are operating under some shaky intel. But hey, I could be wrong.
So..that is life up to this point. I can't complain, but things could always be better. Perhaps in the upcoming months they plan to be just that. One could only hope.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Love and the Technological Promise's Burden
Life is a strange thing.
The toughest part of this "adult world" adustment experience for me has been the distance that I feel from someone who loves me like family, a great friend, or a "believed" soul-mate. Love...that lovey love that feels...lovey... Now I am sure that most of the four people that read this drivel have tuned out now due to the assumed mushiness of the update to follow. But that is really all I have to say about it. I miss being loved. Being in my long distance relationship helped a little, and talking to my parents every week helps a lot. but the relationship is dead and gone and my parents are so very far away. The feeling escapes me more often than not. Thats probably why I have been in such a funk.
Am I the only person who is utterly terrified at what technology can do now? Am I the only one who sees the storyline for the Matrix becoming a viable possibility? I saw a commercial for Cisco products and the gentleman on the screen was talking about what the future generations will know as "normal" and what we have been able to accomplish. Ipods, video chatting, electric cars, texting, computers in general..I feel as if sometimes I am the only one who takes the time to ponder the absolutely horrifying results that these technological advances have produced in our society. When I was a kid I didn't have a cell phone and I still went out and played around the neighborhood. I didn't have facebook and I still kept in touch with friends. I memorized phone numbers. I CALLED people, I didn't text them. I had to call girls who I wanted to ask out or...god forbid..talk to them in person!
Now believe me, I am definitely a hypicrite to a certain extent. I have facebook, I have a cell phone, I text, but that is not to say that I don't have a longing for more difficult times. When staying in touch took actual effort. When you called someone to wish them happy birthday instead of just leaving a random scratching on someone's "wall". I think technology is great, but I don't have the same feelings about what it is doing to us. I have begun to fight back by writing letters to my brother, preserving the written word if only between two people, and that definitely helps me feel better. It's just scary to take a step back and look at what we used to be and where we are...and to realize that all these inventions and breakthroughs that were supposed to help support us in an "ever-changing world" may have been the things "ever-changing" our world in the first place.
I wouldn't say that I am nostalgic for simpler times, because without the technology things were harder. But I think I am longing for a more personal and personalized time.
To my friends who have stayed in my life through all the "ever-changes" in this world. I appreciate you and look forward to our next face-to-face meeting so that I can really truly tell you so.
The toughest part of this "adult world" adustment experience for me has been the distance that I feel from someone who loves me like family, a great friend, or a "believed" soul-mate. Love...that lovey love that feels...lovey... Now I am sure that most of the four people that read this drivel have tuned out now due to the assumed mushiness of the update to follow. But that is really all I have to say about it. I miss being loved. Being in my long distance relationship helped a little, and talking to my parents every week helps a lot. but the relationship is dead and gone and my parents are so very far away. The feeling escapes me more often than not. Thats probably why I have been in such a funk.
Am I the only person who is utterly terrified at what technology can do now? Am I the only one who sees the storyline for the Matrix becoming a viable possibility? I saw a commercial for Cisco products and the gentleman on the screen was talking about what the future generations will know as "normal" and what we have been able to accomplish. Ipods, video chatting, electric cars, texting, computers in general..I feel as if sometimes I am the only one who takes the time to ponder the absolutely horrifying results that these technological advances have produced in our society. When I was a kid I didn't have a cell phone and I still went out and played around the neighborhood. I didn't have facebook and I still kept in touch with friends. I memorized phone numbers. I CALLED people, I didn't text them. I had to call girls who I wanted to ask out or...god forbid..talk to them in person!
Now believe me, I am definitely a hypicrite to a certain extent. I have facebook, I have a cell phone, I text, but that is not to say that I don't have a longing for more difficult times. When staying in touch took actual effort. When you called someone to wish them happy birthday instead of just leaving a random scratching on someone's "wall". I think technology is great, but I don't have the same feelings about what it is doing to us. I have begun to fight back by writing letters to my brother, preserving the written word if only between two people, and that definitely helps me feel better. It's just scary to take a step back and look at what we used to be and where we are...and to realize that all these inventions and breakthroughs that were supposed to help support us in an "ever-changing world" may have been the things "ever-changing" our world in the first place.
I wouldn't say that I am nostalgic for simpler times, because without the technology things were harder. But I think I am longing for a more personal and personalized time.
To my friends who have stayed in my life through all the "ever-changes" in this world. I appreciate you and look forward to our next face-to-face meeting so that I can really truly tell you so.
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