Passion Pit...Just a big empty pit...

Back again

Oh how little things change over months. You know, you have been here. I am wondering why I don't have things figured out. Why I chose to take this seemingly undeniable step backwards in my life. I don't feel accomplished. I feel like I have failed. I have failed to live the life that I convinced myself I wanted and now I am back to try it again.

And now I just whine to you. I complain to you. I decompress and you are the target.

Did you know that I would become so utterly dull and uninteresting at this age? Not three years ago things were vibrant, new, excitement oozed out of my everyday. The unknown was something I cherished and looked forward to. Now I am hopelessly and utterly socialized into the monotony of the everyday. Wake up, play your part, do your work, sleep. Nothing interesting, no great adventure, no moments of enlightenment, moments of passion gone before I knew them. I am not alright with this. I know that you aim to help me, I just wish your words were more audible and explicit. The drudgery of my life has caught up with me. The safety of the choices I have made. The cautious plotting of a life so inextricably laced with boredom that even I want nothing to do with it.

I need something big, something tangible to grasp onto. I need passion, but passion that can be funneled into something real. I want passion that can fuel an achievable dream. I want to wake every morning and not work but live. This should be your goal too. This should be your aim in life. I want you to help me reach that point and I want you to join me along the way.

I see people with passion. Those who love what they do. Those who have never worked a day in their lives due to the uncontrollable love for the tasks they perform. I am jealous and desperately desire that.

I'm sorry I couldn't talk last night. I went to bed at 10:00pm. Not because I had a big day the next day, not because I was tired, and not because I wanted to, but because when I really thought about it..when I really examined the possibilities...there wasn't one damn thing that was worth staying awake to experience. That is what my life has become. 26 years of life and I am bored. I prefer to dream about fantastic things that I accomplish because I cannot find the means in my waking life to bring the dreams into reality.

I know you feel that I complain to you, but you know that the reason for these talks, these rants, is to clear my head. To empty the vessel so that I can fill it again. I don't mean to depress or demoralize you. But you listen well. More than anyone else. And I can't afford to keep these thoughts in my head...if I did I may never live a happy moment again.

I suppose as long as my dreams remain exciting there is still something about me worth experiencing..I suppose I just have to hope that my unconscious mind never catches on to the mind-numbing tedium of my everyday.

Until next time old friend. Here is to the dreams and desires that fuel our passion. (however unfruitful it may be)

Be well. Against all odds you must do this.

end

Struggle Bus

It's a new day and a new Place. You must know by now how comfortable I have come to be in the world. This world. My world. Unfortunately for me this new place is just the challenge that I needed and didn't know I didn't want.

Flashing back to the first year of college. Do you remember what I was like? I am having such a difficult time remembering. I remember the long nights. The marching field. The dorm room. My friends. But I can't remember the thoughts. I can't remember how I felt about the changes. Furthermore, I can't remember how much I struggled. I recall struggling a great deal but I don't have a grasp on the specifics. I thought that maybe writing to you would bring back some of those memories in a time when I could use them to help ground me. I suppose I may just have to struggle again to remember what it was like to truly struggle in the first place. You or course know how much the idea of that kills me inside. Cest La Vie.

Again with the words...

So here we are again, you and I. I'm sure you know by this time that you've become my sounding board for when my thoughts become too much for my head and heart to contain. I wish that situation hadn't happened so often in the past week but this move has been a trying time for me. I am however getting a little better everyday.

I am fairly confident that I am in love with someone who is falling out of love with me. It happened just like this the last time. The slowly but sure feeling of someone pulling away from you but not wanting you to realize it is happening. It is quite possibly the worst feeling I have felt and one that I would not wish on my worst enemies. I am patiently waiting for the call, the talk, the message, the letter, whatever it is going to be that tells me that she is moving on without me. That journey has already been started and that I know for a fact. The worst part about this situation is that I don't feel that anyone near her is on my side. Its an exhausting situation.

The new job is good. I am slowly but surely learning how to interact with these people. and by "These people" I mean the stu. aff. group. It is an interesting dynamic. It is a group of people who are so grown up and responsible but somehow they very literally never lost the kids in themselves. The simplest things bring the greatest joys to them. That is a mentality that I never thought that I would lose but I did. It is even harder to try and turn it back on. I keep trying to be the adult and be the grown up "teacher" me. But that person is the one that doesn't have a place in this realm. It is a very surreal experience and a very tiring realization to know that you have lost a lot of the kid in you and you are ready to go on a journey to find him again.

I love music so much. Everything about it soothes me. listening to it, experiencing it, making it, writing it, recording it, watching it, learning about it. It is such an amazing art form. A truly beautifully written song and wonderfully crafted lyrics are some of the most powerful things to me.

I am learning a great deal about myself through this training. Learning a lot about why I think and act the way I do. I don't know if it will result in my changing, but I will definitely be more aware or what I am doing and why. I want to change some things. Others I just want to continue to know and grow with.

As always you have been great. I can't imagine my life without you or what you continue to do for me. Thank you. For everything you do and for the things you make me do for myself.

end

Listen,

I don't know where my place is here. I tell you this because you're the only one who will remember what that feels like, however long ago it may have been. I am a teacher. I have been for four years even if only two of them were professional time. I think, solve problems, plan, and interact like a teacher. The only real problem is that I let that define me and now that things have changed I don't know how to define myself anymore. I don't know where my place is here and because of that I don't know if I belong here.

I'm not having second thoughts. I know this was the right decision. But despite being around a lot of people I am still in a very lonely place. Lots of people trying to figure me out, figure out who I am, what I am about, and that is strange to me. The tea kettle is about to whistle..

okay. back.

I know that you're worried, but don't be. This is just another obstacle. Another hurdle to jump. The only trying part is that it is hard to reconcile my passion for teaching against my decision to leave it and explore another road which that passion spreads to. I feel like I have abandoned myself. I spent all this time training for my life and after two years I dropped it to do something else. I feel like a failure. I feel like I wasn't content with my great job and my amazing friends and the life I built. So what is going to stop me from not being content with this life? Not that you have any answers. The questions seem pointless don't they?

I don't fit here. and I hear you correcting me in my head "No No, you don't fit there YET". I guess at this point I'm waiting for the yet.

Píosa mícheart leis an bhfreagra

end

Overthinky Thoughts

So I swore to myself that I was going to update this more frequently. But to be honest, there really isn't much to tell. I'll start with the basics:

- I am no longer teaching nor am I living in Garden City. I received a job in Manhattan, KS working for Kansas State University as an Assistant Residence Life Coordinator.
- I start my Masters program in August.

- I now live just down the street from my younger brother.
- I have successfully produced four plays and a Backseat All-star concert

- I am still dating Casie and loving it
- I went to Florida a few weeks ago with my family and had a wonderful time.
- I think I have driven close to 5000 miles in the last month.

There. Now that is out of the way. I gotta say, I am even further from where I thought I would be now than I was two years ago. Funny little thing, life. Just never seems to want to match what my concept is.

So I have been in a relationship for awhile now and I have come to the conclusion that I suck at them. I try to be open, try to communicate but I have this feeling that I either tend to be way to casual about things or I become suffocatingly attached and needy. Now the next part sounds a little self serving so I'll preface by saying that everyone has a past and by no means do I think that my life has been difficult..okay..

So my last four serious girlfriends cheated on me. I don't really know why. A few of them I have an inkling but one of them really throws me off. The only thing I can imagine is that the distance that was present finally got the best of them. I am not trying to make excuses for my constantly-thinking-never-resting-playing-out-the-worst brain, but a history like that tends to mess with you a little. I try to be as trusting as possible, to communicate, to share my feelings, but there is always a piece of me that is waiting for the bad news. There is always a part of me that I keep to the side, the part that will go on being okay after the rest of my being gets inevitably crushed. I have even sabotaged good things because I was trying to get out without being wrecked (and no..it didn't go well and didn't help).

I am not really looking for answers here. And I'm not looking for "Feel good Go Get Em!" comments. I'm just trying to get this stuff outta my brain so that I can look at it. And since paper is lame I settle for this...although maybe I should use paper. Blogs are so mainstream.

Do you believe that each person is given a certain set of flaws that they must live with? Is that part of the Plan? Because I feel as though I have pinpointed these flaws, I have recognized them, worked on them, shared them with others, but regardless of my attempts to reconcile them they never get any better. I have heard of being fatally flawed and people overall just being flawed, but typically in other materials, gems for example, flaws are things that can't be removed. You have to live with them. Are people the same way? I guess it lends a whole new light to needing to find people that you can see as perfect, no matter how imperfect they are. I don't know. Just another overthinky thought I am having.

I will try to keep more updated (At this point just really for you) I constantly forget the good that writing can do for your mind until I get back into it. I guess I said it once and there is so much truth in it that it stands "My words are the one thing always on my side"


I will nag at you later and attempt another meaningful reflection of the populous as whole. For now, please be well. It will be okay.