I wait until I finish writing to title these. This one is a little unfocused.

I think the success in raising kids comes in the form of having them hate leaving home, and leaving the comfort of the "nest" where they learned how to live, but know that it is something that they have to do.

I was fortunate enough to have my family visit this past weekend. I got less work done than most weekends (which is an accomplishment because I don't do much usually) but I enjoyed the visit and getting to catch up with them. I can't help but feel the constant nagging sensation of wanting to run back to Grand Rapids and live happily within an arms reach of everything I know so well, but at the same time knowing that I would never be happy if I did that. I don't know what it is about where I am in my life. I have to believe that it is my extreme lack of "roots" or feeling a sense of connection or permanence with where I am. I felt the same way in Garden City. I knew that I wasn't going to be there forever. However, I didn't think that the next step would get me even further away from feeling settled.

I have to believe that what I am really starting to yearn for is that feeling of "home" that I had when I was living in my parent's house. A general sense of comfort and safety that comes with finding a place where you see yourself staying for awhile. I don't have that. I miss that so much. I miss it so much in fact that I find myself wishing for the past and living in my memories more often than any healthy person should. I know that a huge part of life is moving on and striking out on your own. I don't wish to be less independent. I just want a feeling of being more supported. I understand that I have people here who care about my professional development and they support me in that regard, which is nice. I suppose this just comes with the territory of relinquishing some of your control by going back to school. I got a taste of what it is like outside of the academic box, and what can I say, I really liked it. I don't regret my decision to come back to school and I believe it has afforded me a lot of opportunity. All am know is that if I could go back, knowing what I know now, I am not sure I would do it the same way.

I have Casie. she is an amazing comfort to me. I don't get to spend enough time with her. I guess I feel like she is just half of the puzzle and I have to finish school to get handed the rest of the pieces so that we can finish figuring out what our life is supposed to look like. I want those pieces so bad I can taste them.

I am not really sure why I can't be happy and content in this moment. Perhaps someone out there in the inter-highway can help me with this problem. How are you all doing it? How are you finding your happiness and contentedness? Is it something that you lucked into, built, fought for, just figured out? What is the secret? I watch so many people who are so busy and working so hard, which is amazing and I think that there can be great joy in a hard days work. But what is the point if there isn't an ultimate feeling of peace and comfort in where you end your day? I don't think it is fair that, at my age, the general consensus among others I speak with is "work hard and you'll get there eventually. Just do one more job, take one more opportunity, write one more paper, get one more grade. After that, after you have exhausted yourself and your mind. Then you can work on finding your joy."

Well you know what? I think that is garbage. I think it is so odd that I have to work so hard to get to a point where I am allowed to find a place to be generally satisfied. I spend so much time on stress. And I don't like it. I miss simple moments with great friends, spent enjoying living. I don't live in the moment very much and I need people to call me on it. To stop me from playing into the machine. do that for me.

I miss my family. I don't think it is fair I see them so infrequently. More so, I don't think it is fair that I have accepted that I don't get to see them very much as a fact of life that I need to learn to live with.

This entry really got away from me..I guess what I am saying in a nutshell is I miss all of you. My family and my very good friends. Thomas, Drew, Chris, Dominic, John, Brian, Aaron, Charb, Mom, Dad, Mike, Steve....everyone else I missed, I don't see you all enough. I am envious of those in that group who are "settled" and have found a version of "home" to belong in. I'm not there yet...

and I really don't like it.

I Went to Detroit and All I Got Was This Stupid Blog Post

I spent this past weekend with very old friends. It's funny when you are a college freshman, sitting in orientation, and some random "Dean of BlahBlahBlah" tells you, without knowing a single thing about you, that "This place is where you will meet friends you will have for the rest of you life". It is even funnier to suddenly realize in a moment of clarity eight years later how right they were. I spent the weekend in Detroit and the surrounding areas spending time with some of the best friends I will ever have. We laughed (I cried due to an aggravated hand injury) and we recalled all of the stupid shit we did and still do at times. We sat around a backyard patio set for 8 hours and just talked. It was an incredible feeling. It was like being back on the porch of 814 S. Main talking about all the things we had done and the plans we had. It was honestly one of the happiest moments I have had in the past year.

However, I also spent time in their newly purchased homes, hearing about their plans, their jobs, their partners. I couldn't help but see how fast we have all grown-up, or at least how well we all pretend to be grown-up. I mean don't get me wrong, we still nearly get kicked out of bars and scream nonsensical things down busy streets at people we don't know, but on the everyday, on the normal day, we are grown. It was fun to get a glimpse into the lives my friends are building. I also felt an insane sense of jealousy that they have the opportunity and chance to live around each other, build families and lives with each other so close by, and get to see each other far more often than the once or twice a year that MY geographical location affords me. I know the life I am building is good and is full of gifts and opportunity. I just can't help shake the feeling that it is a little unfair...but not at the same time.  I guess when it boils down to it, I just miss my friends and brothers. I miss our connections, the fact that we know so much about each other. I miss how we interact. I miss that there is no hesitation or passive aggressiveness. We just genuinely like each other all the time. Well, at least I do.

I guess it wouldn't be the same if I saw those guys every week or even every other week. There is a certain excitement in knowing that you have to make the moments count because they only come so often. I will admit that feeling is pretty good. It's like a race. I just wish I could run that race more times a year.

I am struggling with doing what I do again. I keep going back and forth between where I should be. Is my place in this world? The collegiate world. Or is my place teaching and working with a younger crowd. I don't want to be a researcher. I know that with utter certainty. It is exciting to see your name on a panel or have the opportunity to present something that you have poured yourself into for a few months. But those moments don't compare to the moments of relief knowing that I won't have to do it again for a week or so. That tells me I should be doing something else. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I just wish I could definitively say "This is what my life should be spent doing and this is where I belong". I guess, when it boils down to it, I don't feel accepted here nor do I feel a real sense of support or camaraderie. Every moment of support is undercut with the subtext of competitiveness and the idea that we are all looking to edge out the other, to be the more impressive candidate. Maybe my dislike for this "game" means I'll never make it in the professional world, but I don't really care. I hope every one of the grads I work with gets a perfect job, even if it is one that I am going for. I know they would be just as good at it and in some cases better than me. I just miss finding support from peers that want to see you grow for the sake of growth. I got that at Garden City. They all knew I had to grow if I was going to survive. If I was going to make it doing what I was doing, if any of us were, we had to be there for each other. Unconditionally. Thank you, my Garden City friends.

Wedding planning is going pretty well. I am just excited to marry her. Every day she does something to make me love her more (usually right after doing something that makes me crazy! ha!) and I look forward to those moments every day. I am excited for our future and where we will be next year. Terrified but also very excited.

Jesus Murphy

Why is it that I can play for hours in my room but the moment I get up to show off I can't make it sound the same. Why can't I just do what I love doing and show it to people. Also, why is it that the sound always screws me?

In all seriousness I am just thinking about giving up. This shit is getting ridiculous. I have the passion and the love and respect for the music and the making but I just can't get this to turn out right. I'm tired of recording music no one will hear. I am tired of writing songs for myself to sing to myself and practice for myself and then forget with only myself wishing that I hadn't.

I'm considering selling a lot of my equipment. I'm not going to use it the way I thought I was.

Anyone in the market for used sound equipment? Perhaps it will lead you to better fortunes than where it is leading me..

end

10 Things It Has Taken 25 Years for Me to Realize That My Parents Told Me When I Was Twelve

1. Prioritize your life. It’s all about Golf Balls, Pebbles, and Sand.
Your family, health and loved ones are Golf balls. Your job, your hobbies, your friends are pebbles. All the minuscule things like money, enemies, bills are sand. If you fill up your jar with sand first there will be no room for golf balls.

2. Control the ControllablesThings that you can control, control. Things that you can’t will either work themselves into
a situation that you can control them or they will resolve themselves. Don’t waste energy
worrying about what you can’t control.

3. Worry about what others think of you. It’s a good indication of how you are living your life.Don’t obsess about this, but the reflection of ourselves that we see in others is very telling of who we are as a person. They don’t define us they just help us see how we are defining ourself.

4. Your parents, teachers, and elders are a lot smarter than you think. You just won’t realize it until much..much later in life.I know it’s tough to admit, but your teachers and your parents know more than you. It’s okay if you don’t believe me. You won’t really understand how stupid you really are until you get out on your own...and not that “I’m on my own in college but mom and dad still pay my rent and send me food” I mean REALLY on your own.

5. Have regrets. They help us to learn.Regrets are natural. They help us see where our shortcomings lie. I don’t believe anyone who says they don’t regret a thing. I have regrets and they have helped me live a fuller life and avoid the same regrets as I have continued to grow.

6. Take pride in your grades, nobody else will if you don’t.At the end of the day your teachers and parents can only care so much about things that you don’t. If you don’t want to succeed why should anyone else want it for you? I don’t waste time on people who don’t care enough about their future to want to make it better.

7. Adopt the mindset of “looking for every adventure in every day”Every day has potential. Yes, even Mondays. Don’t spend your time wishing for your tomorrows. Every day has a new experience, a new challenge, and a new reward. If you always look for these, you will never truly have a bad day again.

8. Make your own decisions about people, places, and organizations.Other’s opinions can be some of the most poisonous things on the planet. I can’t tell you how many good relationships and friendships I would have missed out on had I listened to someone else about what to think of that person. Heed warnings and listen, but make up your own mind.

9. For the love of God, get involved in SOMETHING.
It will make you a better person in every way.

10. Do what you love but have a backup plan. Passion can be filtered into work and into hobbies. But figure out which things should be hobbies and which should be pursued as a career.
I have passion for my hobbies and for my job but in different ways. I know that I will always be able to turn my hobby into a career if the opportunity presents itself. But I wouldn’t be able to continue to have my career if I hadn’t focused on it in the first place. Chances are you will end up working a normal job like everyone else. Be prepared for that.

Trips back "Home" and OH!..I like what I do.

We are back. Back to work, back to school, back to my life here in Kansas.

It was nice to spend some time back in Michigan. I miss it there quite a bit. However, I do enjoy where I am. I like the people, location, job, and weather. It struck me as I was on the plane headed back to The Mitten that I am no longer a resident of the state of Michigan. Now it has been this way for quite some time. I guess I just never let it sink in. I am a Kansan. That is something I definitely never thought that I would say.

I have had a strange crystallizing realization in the past few months. I have been watching my close friends with great interest. I have been watching them get married, visiting their new homes that they have purchased, observing them getting jobs and starting companies, and the whole time comparing. Comparing my accomplishments to theirs, and always dwelling on the parts where they have outperformed me. While talking with an old friend from high school who I assumed since college had it all together, it was revealed to me that indeed he did not. He was not wealthy, he has just left his job where he was unhappy to start a company, and all in all his future with his wife is very uncertain. That was the moment that I realized that I have got it more figured out than I care to admit.

I may not be wealthy, and from the outside looking in, it may look like I abandoned the "professional world" to go running back to school. However, I know that the majority of my friends and acquaintances couldn't do my job. They couldn't wake at 3am to talk a frantic and wildly upset college student down of a ledge and they wouldn't dare try. What I am doing makes me happy and I like it. It may not look like the most professional gig in the world. I may not walk out my door everyday in a shirt and tie (I did that for two years...it really isn't much fun.) but I work in a professional setting with people who count on me and I need to remember that more and trust the path I'm on!  

So I got to see some old friends while back up north. That was quite nice. I did, however, spend most of my time just hanging around my parent's house. I don't have too many friends that still have weeks of vacation given to them at a time. It was nice to be back in familiar territory for almost a month, but I do think that it was the last time I will spend so much time back there at one time. It is also weird to see those words typed out.

I missed my fiance' dearly over the break. She was in the UK visiting her sister and spending time with her new niece. It was tough being apart for so long and I can only hope that it was the last time we spend so much time apart. Although, unfortunately, I cannot say for certain. Oh, by the way, I'm getting married.

After much work and many stressful nights I managed to score a 4.0 for this past semester. It was not until after the semester was completed that someone shared with me the fact that GPA really doesn't matter in grad school. As long as you pass, you pass. So does it suck that I won't be recognized for my great-good work? Yes. Yes it does. However, I am still glad that I was able to accomplish it. My program is not an easy one and I was doing some major original research for the first time in my academic career. I am just happy to feel that I accomplished something and that I lived up to my own expectations of myself.

Life is good. I am poor and still mildly irresponsible at times, but things are going well in all ways always.