I wait until I finish writing to title these. This one is a little unfocused.

I think the success in raising kids comes in the form of having them hate leaving home, and leaving the comfort of the "nest" where they learned how to live, but know that it is something that they have to do.

I was fortunate enough to have my family visit this past weekend. I got less work done than most weekends (which is an accomplishment because I don't do much usually) but I enjoyed the visit and getting to catch up with them. I can't help but feel the constant nagging sensation of wanting to run back to Grand Rapids and live happily within an arms reach of everything I know so well, but at the same time knowing that I would never be happy if I did that. I don't know what it is about where I am in my life. I have to believe that it is my extreme lack of "roots" or feeling a sense of connection or permanence with where I am. I felt the same way in Garden City. I knew that I wasn't going to be there forever. However, I didn't think that the next step would get me even further away from feeling settled.

I have to believe that what I am really starting to yearn for is that feeling of "home" that I had when I was living in my parent's house. A general sense of comfort and safety that comes with finding a place where you see yourself staying for awhile. I don't have that. I miss that so much. I miss it so much in fact that I find myself wishing for the past and living in my memories more often than any healthy person should. I know that a huge part of life is moving on and striking out on your own. I don't wish to be less independent. I just want a feeling of being more supported. I understand that I have people here who care about my professional development and they support me in that regard, which is nice. I suppose this just comes with the territory of relinquishing some of your control by going back to school. I got a taste of what it is like outside of the academic box, and what can I say, I really liked it. I don't regret my decision to come back to school and I believe it has afforded me a lot of opportunity. All am know is that if I could go back, knowing what I know now, I am not sure I would do it the same way.

I have Casie. she is an amazing comfort to me. I don't get to spend enough time with her. I guess I feel like she is just half of the puzzle and I have to finish school to get handed the rest of the pieces so that we can finish figuring out what our life is supposed to look like. I want those pieces so bad I can taste them.

I am not really sure why I can't be happy and content in this moment. Perhaps someone out there in the inter-highway can help me with this problem. How are you all doing it? How are you finding your happiness and contentedness? Is it something that you lucked into, built, fought for, just figured out? What is the secret? I watch so many people who are so busy and working so hard, which is amazing and I think that there can be great joy in a hard days work. But what is the point if there isn't an ultimate feeling of peace and comfort in where you end your day? I don't think it is fair that, at my age, the general consensus among others I speak with is "work hard and you'll get there eventually. Just do one more job, take one more opportunity, write one more paper, get one more grade. After that, after you have exhausted yourself and your mind. Then you can work on finding your joy."

Well you know what? I think that is garbage. I think it is so odd that I have to work so hard to get to a point where I am allowed to find a place to be generally satisfied. I spend so much time on stress. And I don't like it. I miss simple moments with great friends, spent enjoying living. I don't live in the moment very much and I need people to call me on it. To stop me from playing into the machine. do that for me.

I miss my family. I don't think it is fair I see them so infrequently. More so, I don't think it is fair that I have accepted that I don't get to see them very much as a fact of life that I need to learn to live with.

This entry really got away from me..I guess what I am saying in a nutshell is I miss all of you. My family and my very good friends. Thomas, Drew, Chris, Dominic, John, Brian, Aaron, Charb, Mom, Dad, Mike, Steve....everyone else I missed, I don't see you all enough. I am envious of those in that group who are "settled" and have found a version of "home" to belong in. I'm not there yet...

and I really don't like it.