I spent this past weekend with very old friends. It's funny when you are a college freshman, sitting in orientation, and some random "Dean of BlahBlahBlah" tells you, without knowing a single thing about you, that "This place is where you will meet friends you will have for the rest of you life". It is even funnier to suddenly realize in a moment of clarity eight years later how right they were. I spent the weekend in Detroit and the surrounding areas spending time with some of the best friends I will ever have. We laughed (I cried due to an aggravated hand injury) and we recalled all of the stupid shit we did and still do at times. We sat around a backyard patio set for 8 hours and just talked. It was an incredible feeling. It was like being back on the porch of 814 S. Main talking about all the things we had done and the plans we had. It was honestly one of the happiest moments I have had in the past year.
However, I also spent time in their newly purchased homes, hearing about their plans, their jobs, their partners. I couldn't help but see how fast we have all grown-up, or at least how well we all pretend to be grown-up. I mean don't get me wrong, we still nearly get kicked out of bars and scream nonsensical things down busy streets at people we don't know, but on the everyday, on the normal day, we are grown. It was fun to get a glimpse into the lives my friends are building. I also felt an insane sense of jealousy that they have the opportunity and chance to live around each other, build families and lives with each other so close by, and get to see each other far more often than the once or twice a year that MY geographical location affords me. I know the life I am building is good and is full of gifts and opportunity. I just can't help shake the feeling that it is a little unfair...but not at the same time. I guess when it boils down to it, I just miss my friends and brothers. I miss our connections, the fact that we know so much about each other. I miss how we interact. I miss that there is no hesitation or passive aggressiveness. We just genuinely like each other all the time. Well, at least I do.
I guess it wouldn't be the same if I saw those guys every week or even every other week. There is a certain excitement in knowing that you have to make the moments count because they only come so often. I will admit that feeling is pretty good. It's like a race. I just wish I could run that race more times a year.
I am struggling with doing what I do again. I keep going back and forth between where I should be. Is my place in this world? The collegiate world. Or is my place teaching and working with a younger crowd. I don't want to be a researcher. I know that with utter certainty. It is exciting to see your name on a panel or have the opportunity to present something that you have poured yourself into for a few months. But those moments don't compare to the moments of relief knowing that I won't have to do it again for a week or so. That tells me I should be doing something else. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I just wish I could definitively say "This is what my life should be spent doing and this is where I belong". I guess, when it boils down to it, I don't feel accepted here nor do I feel a real sense of support or camaraderie. Every moment of support is undercut with the subtext of competitiveness and the idea that we are all looking to edge out the other, to be the more impressive candidate. Maybe my dislike for this "game" means I'll never make it in the professional world, but I don't really care. I hope every one of the grads I work with gets a perfect job, even if it is one that I am going for. I know they would be just as good at it and in some cases better than me. I just miss finding support from peers that want to see you grow for the sake of growth. I got that at Garden City. They all knew I had to grow if I was going to survive. If I was going to make it doing what I was doing, if any of us were, we had to be there for each other. Unconditionally. Thank you, my Garden City friends.
Wedding planning is going pretty well. I am just excited to marry her. Every day she does something to make me love her more (usually right after doing something that makes me crazy! ha!) and I look forward to those moments every day. I am excited for our future and where we will be next year. Terrified but also very excited.
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Don't forget that the grass is greener on the other side. You are far away and that's tough, but at the same time I wish I was off doing something far away. I am back in the same town that I grew up in, and for some reason that just doesn't settle right. I still can't decide if I should be here or somewhere else. Most of the time I just choose to roll with the punches and keep living life for the opportunities that arrive at my feet.
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