Overthinky Thoughts

So I swore to myself that I was going to update this more frequently. But to be honest, there really isn't much to tell. I'll start with the basics:

- I am no longer teaching nor am I living in Garden City. I received a job in Manhattan, KS working for Kansas State University as an Assistant Residence Life Coordinator.
- I start my Masters program in August.

- I now live just down the street from my younger brother.
- I have successfully produced four plays and a Backseat All-star concert

- I am still dating Casie and loving it
- I went to Florida a few weeks ago with my family and had a wonderful time.
- I think I have driven close to 5000 miles in the last month.

There. Now that is out of the way. I gotta say, I am even further from where I thought I would be now than I was two years ago. Funny little thing, life. Just never seems to want to match what my concept is.

So I have been in a relationship for awhile now and I have come to the conclusion that I suck at them. I try to be open, try to communicate but I have this feeling that I either tend to be way to casual about things or I become suffocatingly attached and needy. Now the next part sounds a little self serving so I'll preface by saying that everyone has a past and by no means do I think that my life has been difficult..okay..

So my last four serious girlfriends cheated on me. I don't really know why. A few of them I have an inkling but one of them really throws me off. The only thing I can imagine is that the distance that was present finally got the best of them. I am not trying to make excuses for my constantly-thinking-never-resting-playing-out-the-worst brain, but a history like that tends to mess with you a little. I try to be as trusting as possible, to communicate, to share my feelings, but there is always a piece of me that is waiting for the bad news. There is always a part of me that I keep to the side, the part that will go on being okay after the rest of my being gets inevitably crushed. I have even sabotaged good things because I was trying to get out without being wrecked (and no..it didn't go well and didn't help).

I am not really looking for answers here. And I'm not looking for "Feel good Go Get Em!" comments. I'm just trying to get this stuff outta my brain so that I can look at it. And since paper is lame I settle for this...although maybe I should use paper. Blogs are so mainstream.

Do you believe that each person is given a certain set of flaws that they must live with? Is that part of the Plan? Because I feel as though I have pinpointed these flaws, I have recognized them, worked on them, shared them with others, but regardless of my attempts to reconcile them they never get any better. I have heard of being fatally flawed and people overall just being flawed, but typically in other materials, gems for example, flaws are things that can't be removed. You have to live with them. Are people the same way? I guess it lends a whole new light to needing to find people that you can see as perfect, no matter how imperfect they are. I don't know. Just another overthinky thought I am having.

I will try to keep more updated (At this point just really for you) I constantly forget the good that writing can do for your mind until I get back into it. I guess I said it once and there is so much truth in it that it stands "My words are the one thing always on my side"


I will nag at you later and attempt another meaningful reflection of the populous as whole. For now, please be well. It will be okay.