Passion Pit...Just a big empty pit...

Back again

Oh how little things change over months. You know, you have been here. I am wondering why I don't have things figured out. Why I chose to take this seemingly undeniable step backwards in my life. I don't feel accomplished. I feel like I have failed. I have failed to live the life that I convinced myself I wanted and now I am back to try it again.

And now I just whine to you. I complain to you. I decompress and you are the target.

Did you know that I would become so utterly dull and uninteresting at this age? Not three years ago things were vibrant, new, excitement oozed out of my everyday. The unknown was something I cherished and looked forward to. Now I am hopelessly and utterly socialized into the monotony of the everyday. Wake up, play your part, do your work, sleep. Nothing interesting, no great adventure, no moments of enlightenment, moments of passion gone before I knew them. I am not alright with this. I know that you aim to help me, I just wish your words were more audible and explicit. The drudgery of my life has caught up with me. The safety of the choices I have made. The cautious plotting of a life so inextricably laced with boredom that even I want nothing to do with it.

I need something big, something tangible to grasp onto. I need passion, but passion that can be funneled into something real. I want passion that can fuel an achievable dream. I want to wake every morning and not work but live. This should be your goal too. This should be your aim in life. I want you to help me reach that point and I want you to join me along the way.

I see people with passion. Those who love what they do. Those who have never worked a day in their lives due to the uncontrollable love for the tasks they perform. I am jealous and desperately desire that.

I'm sorry I couldn't talk last night. I went to bed at 10:00pm. Not because I had a big day the next day, not because I was tired, and not because I wanted to, but because when I really thought about it..when I really examined the possibilities...there wasn't one damn thing that was worth staying awake to experience. That is what my life has become. 26 years of life and I am bored. I prefer to dream about fantastic things that I accomplish because I cannot find the means in my waking life to bring the dreams into reality.

I know you feel that I complain to you, but you know that the reason for these talks, these rants, is to clear my head. To empty the vessel so that I can fill it again. I don't mean to depress or demoralize you. But you listen well. More than anyone else. And I can't afford to keep these thoughts in my head...if I did I may never live a happy moment again.

I suppose as long as my dreams remain exciting there is still something about me worth experiencing..I suppose I just have to hope that my unconscious mind never catches on to the mind-numbing tedium of my everyday.

Until next time old friend. Here is to the dreams and desires that fuel our passion. (however unfruitful it may be)

Be well. Against all odds you must do this.

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