Brain Dump...gross

Another fall production has come and gone. Arsenic and Old Lace was an incredible journey. Even more fulfilling the second time! The past few months have been stress-filled and full of ups and downs, but ultimately, I feel very accomplished and fortunate to have been given the opportunity to work with such amazing young people. I also got the chance to make an amazing friend in my assistant director. I am not sure I will ever be able to tell her how amazing she was during the whole process.

So I am at a crossroads. I have the opportunity to put myself out in the public arena with the hopes of starting a new career, which is exciting. The terrifying part is that I will be leaving the teaching field and venturing down a completely foreign path. I am not sure what to make of the situation. There is a lot of push to just go for it..I am young, I am mobile, and I am looking to move into a more permanent setting in regards to my life and location. However, the thought of leaving the only profession I have trained for in the past seven years is mortifying. Nothing can beat back that fear and the undeniable fear of the unknown. I wish I had someone to talk this over with. Just someone who could understand this feeling and this particular crossroads in my life. I just hope I can figure out some balance of fear and excitement. Last summer pretty much crushed my ideas that I am fit for anything but teaching. Quite the mental anguish I was in for a few weeks.

I am in the post show rut...that has to be the explanation. I can't think of anything to do and my life seems so boring. I hate that feeling. The feeling that, at 25 years old, I am just a boring guy that goes home after work and waits in pain for the start of the next day of mind numbing monotony. Of course, with where I am there aren't many other options. I do hate the feeling though. Life just 2 years ago was so full of busy, and events. Now I just feel so...slowed down.

I am trying so hard to not become a jaded teacher that reminisces about what life was like when I was in school. I feel like I am losing that battle. I want to stay positive. I want to stay idealistic, I want to stay hopeful, I want to maintain my high expectations for so much longer. If you hear me complaining, could you remind me that it's not that bad and that it's not that different, even though we both know that it is. I would appreciate it.

My apartment is starting to get the best of me. I am so tired of coming home to an empty house. I need a roommate. I need a friend like Dom or Thomas. Someone who I can hang out with all the time. Someone who I can just always rely on. I don't have that person here...which of course adds to the boring factor. How the hell did I make those friends in the first place?

I am having a better year, but a worse one at the same time. I'm not sure that I have enough time to explain what I mean by that. Things are easier. Lessons are familiar and problems are easier to deal with. But unfortunately when things start to become second nature we slow down enough to think about what is really on our minds. Now I have way to much time to think. So in a way the things that were so difficult last year are really much better, but the things I didn't know were bothering me because I was too busy with surface level stuff are starting to rear their heads. That alone makes life a little more challenging. So year two is easier, but mentally more taxing for me. Also, it is emotionally more draining.

Well I suppose that is all. I apologize to my three followers if this entry seemed random and egocentric. Really just had to write some stuff down for my sake. That's what this is for right? right? RIGHT?!